Grown up

The legal age in this country is 18. The people say that after 18 years of life you are capable of making decisions and living on your own. I don't know when we are really ready for that. I am 24 years old and I am still struggling with this issue in life. I make decisions and I do things that I am supposed to... or what other people think I am supposed to do.

There are times when I feel like I am dying inside. I have done a lot of things in my life that I thought would make me the person I wanted to be. I have found that I haven't done anything that makes me alive. The only thing that has given me any kind of life is my life with God. I love that don't get me wrong but He also has other things in mind for me in my life.

I am tired of living life for everyone else. I want to live life for me. And I am probably going to make some mistakes but the reality is that I will never be perfect on this earth. Everyone can try and shelter and protect me from things but all it does is build animosity in me towards people.

I think it is time for some people in my life to let go and let me do... I am not always going to do things that make you happy but I want to do it for me. I want to make decisions in life and learn. I want to make something of my life. I want to have love, I want to have life, I want to be something that I can't even imagine and I will never get there with everyone else making decisions for me in my life, because no one really knows what is going on in my heart and my  mind. No one knows what really makes me happy and makes me feel alive inside. I want to discover how to make that alive in me. I want to spread my wings and fly and maybe even have a few crash landings... but if I don't try how do I know if I can do it????

Swinging Doors

You walk in and you walk out. The only thing that shows that you have been there is the doors you leave swinging behind you, and the mark on my heart. There is no such thing as getting over it. You can move on and find someone new. All that does is put a band-aid on the wound that is already there. Once you let someone into your heart and they walk away there is still part of them left. It is a scar that they leave when they rip away. It is a scar that no ointment can help fade and time doesn't heal it. All that happens is it sits there til someone comes along and pierces the scar tissue again and it hurts worse than when it was put there.

What are we supposed to do? Should we keep walls up and never take a chance on love or friendship? They say it is better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all... Is that true or are we just hurting ourselves more than we have to?

Do we leave our life up to chance? Take chances and then hope that it will be easier this time to let go if we have to? Is love even worth it? How do we know if it's real? How do we know that there aren't going to be swinging doors left behind when we walk away? How do you put closure to a relationship and not allow those feeling to come back? Is there the ability to giving a second chance after you have been hurt? Can you really let that person back in and not have all that scar tissue cause problems. We can want it with all our heart and mind but is it really realistic? Is there such thing as a second chance? Or do we just let the doors come to a stop and pad lock them??

Late night summer thoughts....

Have you ever envisioned that perfect thing... relationship... marriage... car... house...? Whatever it may be, it always ends up having its' underlying problems. Insecurities... lack of communication... the windshield wipers squeak... or the leaky faucet... Well those little things that don't show up to the everyday person that sees these things will eventually cause some major problems. We take things for granted all the time. We think that what everyone else is always better than what we have because what we have, we see the flaws with.

We may not always be happy with what we have, but we have what we have. We chose it and deep down inside we are glad to have what we have. I have kind of come to this conclusion with my relationship.. LOL ...

I love him don't get me wrong and I am happy with what God has given me. I just know that I look around a lot. I compare my relationship to what others have and sometimes wish I had what they have or that he would treat me the way they get treated. But I don't know if I would know what to do if one day he became this mushy love guy that treated me that way. I like it but I think that it might scare me and think something was wrong. I am happy with what I have. Through the arguments we grow closer... through the trials we get stronger... and I love that. We also both understand that this is not going to be easy, EVER. And we accept that. We know we are in it til the end and there is no walking away. We might feel like we need to step back but never walk away. So the next time your windshield wipers squeak or your faucet is dripping while you are trying to sleep... or those insecurities creep up on you... don't let there be a lack of communication.... Stop and thank God for what He has given you and ask Him to help you appreciate the things that make it unique... :)

Breaking point....

We all have them... some are further than others and that is OK... We have to experience things so that when the opportunity comes again we can know that we don't want to experience that again. I thank God for all the experiences that I have had in my life.. I am wishing that I would have learned more from some of the trials and breaking points.

I don't want to be anything but His... I feel so sad.. It hurts me to know that I have put people in front of Him and I don't want to do that in my life.. I want Him to lead everything in my life. I don't want to make a decision that I don't discuss with Him first... I need to get back to the basics with God.. I have lost that childlike faith I once had when I first encountered Jesus in my life.. I want it back so bad.

1 AM THOUGHTS

Thinking....thinking.....thinking.... That is all I can do the night before my finals. I have so many things going through my head right now. I am thinking of taking tests tomorrow and how I need to be up early and that I haven't studied for them the way I should have. I am thinking about how my fiance just told me that he wants to go away even further away from me to Curlew Washington to Job Corps to be a forest ranger. That would put him far away for 8 months. I know I will be in school for most of those months I just thought this was going to be easier this next semester. I thought he would be closer so that I could visit on the weekends and we could start actually building a tangible relationship. Now it will be once a month if we are lucky that I can go and see him. I know that through the trials God will make us stronger, but that doesn't mean that it isn't still going to be difficult. I know that this is something he has always wanted to do and that I am in school too and so we both are winning in the end. It has been a hard road so far and hate to see what this can potentially do to our relationship. What doesn't kill you can only make you stronger. I know that he is committed to me but the insecurity fairy in the back of my mind still likes to whisper in my ear. I have been to a Job Corps and I know the kind of things that go on there and the type of people that usually go there and it just doesn't settle right with me. But I am learning to respect him and his choices and I know in the end this would be awesome for us financially and he would be happier... and that is all I want is for him to be happy. Well I think I got it all off my mind and I can fall asleep... GOOD NIGHT....