Grown up

The legal age in this country is 18. The people say that after 18 years of life you are capable of making decisions and living on your own. I don't know when we are really ready for that. I am 24 years old and I am still struggling with this issue in life. I make decisions and I do things that I am supposed to... or what other people think I am supposed to do.

There are times when I feel like I am dying inside. I have done a lot of things in my life that I thought would make me the person I wanted to be. I have found that I haven't done anything that makes me alive. The only thing that has given me any kind of life is my life with God. I love that don't get me wrong but He also has other things in mind for me in my life.

I am tired of living life for everyone else. I want to live life for me. And I am probably going to make some mistakes but the reality is that I will never be perfect on this earth. Everyone can try and shelter and protect me from things but all it does is build animosity in me towards people.

I think it is time for some people in my life to let go and let me do... I am not always going to do things that make you happy but I want to do it for me. I want to make decisions in life and learn. I want to make something of my life. I want to have love, I want to have life, I want to be something that I can't even imagine and I will never get there with everyone else making decisions for me in my life, because no one really knows what is going on in my heart and my  mind. No one knows what really makes me happy and makes me feel alive inside. I want to discover how to make that alive in me. I want to spread my wings and fly and maybe even have a few crash landings... but if I don't try how do I know if I can do it????

Swinging Doors

You walk in and you walk out. The only thing that shows that you have been there is the doors you leave swinging behind you, and the mark on my heart. There is no such thing as getting over it. You can move on and find someone new. All that does is put a band-aid on the wound that is already there. Once you let someone into your heart and they walk away there is still part of them left. It is a scar that they leave when they rip away. It is a scar that no ointment can help fade and time doesn't heal it. All that happens is it sits there til someone comes along and pierces the scar tissue again and it hurts worse than when it was put there.

What are we supposed to do? Should we keep walls up and never take a chance on love or friendship? They say it is better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all... Is that true or are we just hurting ourselves more than we have to?

Do we leave our life up to chance? Take chances and then hope that it will be easier this time to let go if we have to? Is love even worth it? How do we know if it's real? How do we know that there aren't going to be swinging doors left behind when we walk away? How do you put closure to a relationship and not allow those feeling to come back? Is there the ability to giving a second chance after you have been hurt? Can you really let that person back in and not have all that scar tissue cause problems. We can want it with all our heart and mind but is it really realistic? Is there such thing as a second chance? Or do we just let the doors come to a stop and pad lock them??

Late night summer thoughts....

Have you ever envisioned that perfect thing... relationship... marriage... car... house...? Whatever it may be, it always ends up having its' underlying problems. Insecurities... lack of communication... the windshield wipers squeak... or the leaky faucet... Well those little things that don't show up to the everyday person that sees these things will eventually cause some major problems. We take things for granted all the time. We think that what everyone else is always better than what we have because what we have, we see the flaws with.

We may not always be happy with what we have, but we have what we have. We chose it and deep down inside we are glad to have what we have. I have kind of come to this conclusion with my relationship.. LOL ...

I love him don't get me wrong and I am happy with what God has given me. I just know that I look around a lot. I compare my relationship to what others have and sometimes wish I had what they have or that he would treat me the way they get treated. But I don't know if I would know what to do if one day he became this mushy love guy that treated me that way. I like it but I think that it might scare me and think something was wrong. I am happy with what I have. Through the arguments we grow closer... through the trials we get stronger... and I love that. We also both understand that this is not going to be easy, EVER. And we accept that. We know we are in it til the end and there is no walking away. We might feel like we need to step back but never walk away. So the next time your windshield wipers squeak or your faucet is dripping while you are trying to sleep... or those insecurities creep up on you... don't let there be a lack of communication.... Stop and thank God for what He has given you and ask Him to help you appreciate the things that make it unique... :)

Breaking point....

We all have them... some are further than others and that is OK... We have to experience things so that when the opportunity comes again we can know that we don't want to experience that again. I thank God for all the experiences that I have had in my life.. I am wishing that I would have learned more from some of the trials and breaking points.

I don't want to be anything but His... I feel so sad.. It hurts me to know that I have put people in front of Him and I don't want to do that in my life.. I want Him to lead everything in my life. I don't want to make a decision that I don't discuss with Him first... I need to get back to the basics with God.. I have lost that childlike faith I once had when I first encountered Jesus in my life.. I want it back so bad.

1 AM THOUGHTS

Thinking....thinking.....thinking.... That is all I can do the night before my finals. I have so many things going through my head right now. I am thinking of taking tests tomorrow and how I need to be up early and that I haven't studied for them the way I should have. I am thinking about how my fiance just told me that he wants to go away even further away from me to Curlew Washington to Job Corps to be a forest ranger. That would put him far away for 8 months. I know I will be in school for most of those months I just thought this was going to be easier this next semester. I thought he would be closer so that I could visit on the weekends and we could start actually building a tangible relationship. Now it will be once a month if we are lucky that I can go and see him. I know that through the trials God will make us stronger, but that doesn't mean that it isn't still going to be difficult. I know that this is something he has always wanted to do and that I am in school too and so we both are winning in the end. It has been a hard road so far and hate to see what this can potentially do to our relationship. What doesn't kill you can only make you stronger. I know that he is committed to me but the insecurity fairy in the back of my mind still likes to whisper in my ear. I have been to a Job Corps and I know the kind of things that go on there and the type of people that usually go there and it just doesn't settle right with me. But I am learning to respect him and his choices and I know in the end this would be awesome for us financially and he would be happier... and that is all I want is for him to be happy. Well I think I got it all off my mind and I can fall asleep... GOOD NIGHT....

To whom it may concern...

I was thinking about you today.
 How you make me smile and how you make it worth while. I love how when you say you love me my hear skips a beat.
I want you to be my forever. I want you to never grow tired with me but I want you to grow old with me. I want to share those moments with you that are most precious to you. I want you to know that no matter what happens you can count on my to be right there by your side.
I want to know how it feels to wake up next you everyday until that day that we go to meet Jesus.
I want to feel your hand slip into mine when I don't expect it and it feels like the first time every time. When I think about you it is hard for me to catch my breath. I love that look on your face and the grin you get when I say something that surprises you. I love it when you get impatient waiting on me, it tells me that you want and need me. I can't wait til the day I can tell the world you belong to me. I know that my heart already belongs to you. I am excited to spend the rest of my life getting to know you and who we are together.
I thank God everyday and every time I think about you that He blessed me with such an amazing person in my life that could love me as much as you do and will. I love you til the end of earth, and the heavens. Remember this one thing... I am fragile please handle me with care.  

CRAZY!!!!

I HAVE ISSUES!!!! I know everyone has issues but I have some crazy things that go on in my head.... I am glad that no one can see what goes on in there sometimes. I don't understand how I end up like this. I am fine for days or "a day" and then it is off on another psycho wave... LOL I know I am just rambling and you have no idea what I am talking about. :) 

It's like as soon as I think I am back on track and doing what I need to I get shot off the path and have to set the course again. Well it is getting annoying... 

I have so many things that I could talk about right now. 

#1. All my friends have boyfriends, fiances, or husbands...

#2. I AM FAT and can't get motivated to do something about it....

#3. I have no close friends around me and feel like I am all alone and left out of everything... (know it isn't always like that)

#4. Feel like nothing can go right for me right now.... 

All these things I could sit here and complain about... But I will save you from the agony....

Broaden my perspective....

Lately I have been thinking a lot about politics and things that relate to me as a christian. I have felt conviction for not being more interested in what is going on in foreign countries. I know that I am called to be a missionary and yet I have not found the drive to keep myself informed on things going on in foreign countries. I know the bare minimum that I need to know. I now know that I need to make an effort to be more knowledgeable about things going on in this world. 

I have been struggling with knowing "where" God wants me to go and I think part of that is that I am not allowing Him to speak to my heart. I can't want to help people that I don't know need help. I have to know where the need is and let God speak to me through that need in order for my "human" brain to understand what only the spirit can reveal...

I want to be used by God... I pray for Him to keep me in a place in my life where I can be used by Him and for His Kingdom... I don't ever want to be too busy to do what He wants me to do... Or even have obligations that my flesh has brought on that keep me from completing His will in my life. I am glad that I am in a place where I am not married and have children right now because I know that I am more easily used at this time in my life than I will be when I have children.

Well I got off on a tangent there... LOL. Well I am now just rambeling and need to go to sleep and make sure that I am staying rested up to be able to hear what God is wanting me to do and to be lead by the Spirit every day instead of by the flesh.... 

Self Discipline---I really need some... ;)

Well I am finding myself slipping away from things that are important for me. I know that I am in school and homework is a priority but I find myself saying that because I had to read a book of the bible for a class, that is my bible reading for the day or even the week. I need to discipline myself more with my time with God. I also find myself cutting my prayer time with God short. There are some things that the Lord has put on my heart to do  lately and I have been lazy and just procrastinated to do them. I need to get myself motivated and just make myself do them. There are things in life that I find I want to do, I just don't know how to begin. I want to lead a more disciplined life and not let things (Facebook) get in my way of my relationship with HIM... I am proud of myself though, for the last couple days I spent more time just being by myself and not on Facebook, I like the quiet that I am getting and also the stress that crocheting is now relieving in my life. I have an awesome big project going and I can't wait for it to be done and give it to a special person in my life. I am glad for what is being done in me and in my life. I see myself changing and I am going to now start making a conscious effort to do the things I know I need to, and get enjoyment out of.

Thank you Lord for loving me enough to discipline me....

Changes

This picture describes how I feel from these last couple years of my life...

I have been cut down to nothing... Had all the bad parts of my life taken. Was given a chance for new growth. Had some trimming and "pruning", maybe even a little discipline done but it is all showing fruit now. My vine has new growth. I am seeing it flourish everyday. Everyday that I overcome temptations that seem to pop up too easily in my life. I see it when I find myself enjoying crocheting with the girls here and watching Jane Austen movies. That would never have happened just a month ago. I am loving all these changes happening to me in this new journey I am on with God. He is showing me who he made me to be and not what everyone else has expected me to be. I like what He sees in me. I am starting to see it myself. The one thing that I love about getting closer to God is that He is the best mirror we could own because when we get closer to Him we start seeing the things that need to change in our life and about us. I LOVE IT... I know it is hard to get used to at first and accept that it is ok to have flaws to let Him change. But that is the KEY, we have to let Him change what we see wrong not us try to change it ourself. I just learned to be open to what He wants to change me into because I learned that I will never get what I want if I am standing in the middle of the store screaming at the top of my lungs "OVER HERE OVER HERE THIS IS THE ONE I WANT" When He is on the other side of the store with a much better choice but we can't see that far and so we have to be willing to walk away from what we think we should have and what seems nice right now as we are next to it.... and walk towards Him and what He has and as we get closer we can see that it is made of the finest fabric and our favorite color and fits us just perfect and makes us look great so that we can in turn glorify HIM... I am willing to step away from what I think I need or want and let Him give me that "perfect fit"... He knows me better than anyone.. He knows my thoughts before I think them He knows when I rise up and whey I lye down.... HE EVEN KNEW ME BEFORE HE KNIT ME IN MY MOTHER'S WOMB.... I LOVE THAT PART.... And He Still Loves Me!!!!!

Same story different year....

So we are rounding the time of the year again where we bring out the red and pink hearts and we give over priced chocolate and flowers to the ones we love.... yes you are right, I am talking about Valentines day. This has always been one of those holidays I question of why do we wait for one day of the year to make it so special? Christmas is the same way. We give presents and recognize Jesus but when we think about it shouldn't we be doing that everyday. Well Valentine's day can come back to the same thing. Doesn't the scripture talk about love your neighbor as yourself? That is actually a COMMANDMENT of the Lord. He didn't say wait til one special day of the year and love you neighbor, he said love your neighbor. That means that is supposed to be done everyday. I know your probably saying that you give your husband, boyfriend, wife or girlfriend a gift not just anyone. Well why? I ask you who is your neighbor? Is it necessarily the person you live next to? NO. It is anyone you happen to be next to at any given time of the day or your life. We are to love always and love everyone as we love OURSELVES. WOW. Some of us need to realize we don't do a very good job of that either. We can't love anyone else until we love ourselves the way we are supposed to and catch this one... we can't love ourselves until we learn how God loves us and accept that love the way it was meant to be in our life. WOW that was a big bite to swallow I know. I had a hard time grasping this concept. I am still working on applying this every day in my life. I once saw a man I know on Valentine's Day (which was on a Sunday last year) go to church and worship God the way I always saw him worship... all out.... and during that worship he took a card he had in an envelope of place it on the altar... He then went on to tell the congregation what God had put on his hear that year. He had been struggling with wanting a wife and family. And always saw Valentine's Day in that perspective and was feeling bad that he would not have anyone to share that with this year. Well he realized he had the greatest Valentine of all... JESUS... So he loved God the way that we should and recognized that that was a day to be set aside to love but that it should be done every day in the same way... Well I am excited to tell you that this year he will have more than just a Valentine but he has a wife by his side to share his Valentine with (Jesus). So the first commandment is to Love the Lord your God with all your hear, soul and mind... and then love your neighbor as yourself... So I think we need to get the idea during this love season what the Lord is trying to show us... We need to be showing love to people all days of the year not just on one day because that is the commercialized day... I pray that you are all filled with the love of God in your life and that it will overflow into those that are around you at anytime of the day in your life. 

I found my heart at the bulk bins in WinCo....

Today was a very exciting day for me... LOL... Yes I went to class. Church History is just amazing. I am learning so much. After class I decided since I was already in school mode I would get some homework knocked out. Well I went and turned the classical music station on my ipod app Pandora on. I did some homework. I then went and had some lunch and Laura my dorm mate invited me to get out and go to the store with her...


Well I have to give you a little background about me before I go any further... When I was little my grandmother had a friend that her mother was in a nursing home... Her name was Theresa... And I loved her dearly. My grandma would take me to the nursing home often and I would go around and visit all the people and push them in their wheel chairs. They loved me and I loved spending time with them... I have had a heart for the elderly since then...


So back to today. I was in WinCo with Laura and they have this section where you can buy candy and other things in bulk. Well we went around and she got what she wanted and then we went to go down this isle and I noticed this elderly man next to one of the bins. I didn't think anything about it and we came up the other isle and he had stopped there and had his head down like he just couldn't go on anymore. And I noticed that he had a neck brace on and I just hurt for him. Even writing this right now I am crying because I remember seeing him. I saw the struggle he had to just go grocery shopping. I wanted to walk over to him and tell him to go wait in his car and I would do his shopping for him. 


With all that, we kept shopping and I could only think about him and what it would have probably meant to him to have some one come and help him.


I started thinking about all the times God had laid on my heart about the elderly. I wondered why I feel for them so much and then I get along with them also. I have come to the conclusion that I am supposed to have some elderly ministry in my life. And I am still praying and will be praying for a while until I get a clearer answer... but I think it entails some type of home ministry for them. To go and visit the shut ins that can't get out and just visit and do things around their house for them or go shopping for them. I would love that... I think I want to call it the "adopt a Grandparent" ministry. 


I am praying that God can help me build this ministry and will bring others into it that want to and have the fire to do this and care about it. I know that if this is what He wants me to do He will provide everything I need including a car. Well today I found my heart in the bulk bins of the WinCo and I am grateful for the vision and what God can use... If he can speak through a donkey He certainly can use the bulk bins... LOL anyways... In thoughtful prayer... God bless

Renewal

It was an amazing night of worship and prayer with my sisters and brothers here at school. This experience just keeps getting better and better. I know for sure that I have been called here "for such a time as this". Life could not have more perfect timing for me. I am in a great school, making great friends and absolutely finding  myself admiring a friend more and more everyday... I know that can sound weird. BUT it's not. 

I got some much needed healing tonight in our night of worship. I found something that I needed to set at the foot of the cross, at Jesus' feet, and let the continual flow of blood saturate it and make it new and cover it. I just love how He can do that. Something I was told today made me think. Do we know that the blood that was shed on calvary 2,000 years ago still flows to this day and will keep flowing until Jesus comes back for us and there is no need for His blood after that. I don't think some people realize that today. That is what we are saved by today, not our works or our good behavior, it is BY HIS BLOOD. And by accepting and realizing that is what He did for us. And to realize that we are sinners and need a savior. WOW... that hit me today and I just felt so much better about my relationship with God. I know that when I struggle with something I can take it to the cross and I can lay it down and He will make it new again. I love it. I have to admit that I mess up on a daily basis. I am far from perfect, if that even exists. 

I think I struggle with things sometimes that it feels like no one else around me does. But that is why I have a high priest that has been through everything I have and can take my sin to the Father and say hey.. I have had to fight that and it is not easy... so I think we should give her credit for realizing it was wrong and wanting to make it right...(repenting). Isn't that amazing... Jesus does that.. the bible says that he intercedes for us... WOW I am one lucky person to have Jesus as my "accountant" LOL... that is loosely stated... But He goes to bat for me when my knees are knocking and I am all bruised up and can't go another inning. THANK YOU!!! I love Jesus so much... 

So that is pretty much what happened for me today... with a little sadness, a little happiness, some excitement and then some forgiveness... we all need that sometimes.... Now I am going to get a little rest. Till next time... May you know that you are loved and cared for beyond anything you could imagine....

Loneliness and Homesick!!!

So I have only been here for 2 weeks and I am already missing my family. It probably has a lot to do with my dad having to have surgery this week. I wish I could be there with him. It is hard being so far from my family. Even though I know this is what God wants me to do. I just wish it could be different sometimes. I want to be able to have people around me that understand me in different ways sometimes. 


I find myself wanting a family of my own more and more these days. I really want to find that person that I can spend the rest of my life with and have some kids and just serve God. It seems like it takes me 3 times as long as anyone else to do some things. All my friends around me are getting married and having kids and I am starting a long journey of education. I love it... don't get me wrong. I just want more than just this... 


I guess everyone has those days where it feels like nothing is right and you get a little down. But I know I will pull out of it. I get to go to crocheting tonight with the girls and watch EMMA. SO excited. So those are good times. Just there is more to life than hanging out with girls and crocheting and doing homework and going to class... I want more and just don't know how to get it...except to wait on God because I know nothing is good unless he is the one doing it. So I will stand here and know you are God and that you have a plan and purpose for my life. 

Love struck and watching way too many chick flick romantic movies!

So does love really happen the way it does in movies? I don't think so. I have been in several relationships in my life and thought I was "in love" several times and ended up just "in infatuation". I think that is what a lot of us end up falling into. We don't even know it until that person is up and gone and we don't even know how it happened. "I thought it was going great, I thought that he was almost ready to commit". YEAH RIGHT...

I sit here and watch all my friends live this life now of love and happiness and family. I sit here and live the life of a girl in bible college and looking for that man that will put up with here and will be willing to let her follow what God wants her to do in her life. I don't know how love works into that but I am hoping that it can maybe be the dessert I get with it. I just want what God has for me. I just wish it would come a little sooner than it feels like it is coming. ;) 

I think of all the times I have went searching for the right person and it failed. So I am trying my best to sit back and let this one happen on it's own. Well I hope it does. Of course I would be interested in the hardest person to read in the world! And he doesn't take a hint.... Well I wish I could just post it on his facebook in bold letters I LIKE YOU AND I HOPE YOU LIKE ME TOO!!! LOL That would not only be embarrassing but also just plain outrageous. But needless to say I want to take that risk and tell him that I would like to date him and see what could happen. It would be nice if I could remove the chance of rejection and awkwardness. But I guess love comes at a price. If it isn't worth making a fool out of yourself over maybe it isn't worth it at all... 

I am going to now go and curl up in bed and listen to some sappy song and fall asleep dreaming of the day that I can say i took a chance and I got what I wanted out of it... Good night

Have we "recieved" His grace and mercy?

I have come to the knowledge that I am not the only person that struggles with receiving grace and forgiveness from my Lord. We hear and know that He sent His one and only Son to be the sacrifice for our sin and that His blood covers our sin. But do we REALLY believe it and receive it for ourselves? 

Do you sit and dwell on what sins you have in your past? 
Do you feel guilty for what you have done?
Do you wonder if God could really forgive you for that?
Do you worry about whether you are going to do it again?


We all have a sense of how we are never going to be like Jesus here on this earth. We all know that we are sinners saved by grace. But that grace is not only given one time. It is in your life everyday. God knows that we are going to slip up and make mistakes and sin. But that is why we have a relationship with Him so that we know that we can go to Him and ask for forgiveness and receive His love and mercy and let Him heal us.  


There also is a healthy thought of our past also that we need to keep in perspective. We need to keep in mind that those were things that we were tempted with and that Satan has a knowledge of that have some sort of ability to get us. So we have to guard ourselves from that. But we need to remain in a state of heart and mind knowing that we are forgiven and loved by the KING OF KINGS and LORD OF LORDS.... He is the same yesterday today and forever. He will love us always because He is love and He can not deny Himself and if we have asked Him to come and live in our heart and life then we have Him in us also in our being because He created us in His image. WOW that is a God I am proud to serve and call PAPA. 


My prayer tonight is that every man and woman would come to know the grace and forgiveness that God has for them. That every person that sits in a pew or chair in a church would really know that they are forgiven and that God doesn't want to be reminded of what He already cast into the sea of forgetfulness.. He cast it as far as the east is from the west... It is a garment that you do not have to put on anymore.. It doesn't fit anymore.. Now he wants to put his garment of praise on and the robe of righteousness. Lord I pray that you make yourself known to those that haven't yet come to know who you are and the capability you have in their life. I also want to be used to spread that word of your love and forgiveness.. I pray that we learn to live like we are forgiven and that it would spread to others through our actions... Lord I thank you for your Son Jesus Christ and your forgiveness. Lord keep watch over us as we sleep tonight and let our spirits come and rest in you tonight and that when they return to us when we wake that we would be refreshed and be ready to do the work in us you have planned. AMEN...

A little info...

So I have begun this blog mainly for a scripture meditation group I have joined. It is said that it is good to journal about what you are getting while meditating on God's Word. I decided since I hate writing that this would be much easier for me to do. I am also going to be utilizing this for other purposes also. I want to keep account of my new college life also. 

I have currently began my freshman year at Salem Bible College of Northwest University. I am on my way to an associates and then on to my Bachelors. I am excited to be here with new people and also living in the dorms is already showing to be an interesting experience.

I can't wait to see what God has in store for me this year and what journey I go on. I am here and open to what He wants and has planned and I am opening my life even more to the knowledge of who He is in completeness. So I hope you enjoy reading this encounter of my life and the insight I might attain during my meditation this semester on 1Timothy.